New Texas Law Requires All Masks Have Word ‘Pussy’ Written Across Front

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AUSTIN, TX—In what he described as an effort to reduce the spread of cowardice in the Lone Star State, Gov. Greg Abbott issued an executive order Wednesday requiring all protective face coverings worn in Texas to have the word “pussy” written across the front in large, boldfaced letters. “If you feel a need to put on a mask to protect your friends, your neighbors, or yourself, that’s your personal choice—all we’re doing is requiring you to identify yourself as a total fucking pussy if you opt to do so,” said Abbott, who also reportedly considered allowing masks with the terms “weakling,” “wuss,” “traitor,” and “degenerate” to be worn, but ultimately decided “pussy” was the most effective term for labeling those who adopt the preventative measure shown to limit spread of a disease that has killed more than 44,000 Texans. “This way we’ll all know who among us is a real Texan, and who is a feeble excuse for a man, so afraid of catching a little Covid that he can’t even show his face to the world. We just want to separate the wheat from the chaff here.” At press time, reports confirmed Texas was already facing a major shortage of pussy mask supplies.

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